Catching up...

Well, after my last real post, Murphy passed away. Since I had been doing the Paws For Thought pet advice column, I just couldn't face my blog for a bit. It hurt too much to log in as it brought back the pain of Murphy's death. So I figured I would take a short break and collect myself before I continued. However, I got busy with school, and then around the end of June/beginning of July, I wasn't feeling very good. I found out why I was feeling sick on my birthday, when I got a positive pregnancy test.

Now that was a helluva birthday present. Best birthday ever at the time. The funny part is, all my life I had said if I didn't have a child or was pregnant by my 35th birthday, then I wouldn't ever have children. So, in my opinion, that positive test being on my 35th birthday exactly, made me the QUEEN of procrastination. With the morning sickness and excitement of my pregnancy, I am sorry to say that my blog was the farthest thing from my mind.

Maybe that was a good thing for you though, LOL, I don't think my complaints and details of my pregnancy would have been much fun to read. So that was probably a good thing that I didn't blog through it.

Anyway, Audrey Nicole was born at 1:16 am on Feb. 13th, 2009. She was 6 pounds, 8 ounces and 19 inches long.

I will spare you all the details of my labor...unless of course you want to hear it. *Grins*

Well, that caught you up to February. I will summarize the remaining 6 months in my next post.

Maybe There Is Hope

Sorry for not posting yesterday. I had a very early morning appointment with Health Services and then spent pretty much the rest of the day in bed. As you may have read in my Trip To The DMV post, I tend to get freaked out before important events. So I was pretty nervous yesterday morning on the way to the appointment. But of course, as always, the reality was much easier than I would have figured on.

We got there right on time and were called back. Answered a few questions, I signed about 2 million papers and left with a medical card. This is great news as now I can hopefully get a diagnosis and see if my back can be fixed.

The funny part was once I got done signing everything I was told I was required to watch a 20 minute orientation video. But when we got called back to watch it, the instructor stated it was a nine minute video. That was pretty nice as we were able to leave much sooner than we were expecting.

I still have a ton of paperwork to fill out for my medical assistance and for my next degree in college. But as it stands now, I can see maybe there is hope yet.

No Pain, No Gain?

We have all heard that old saying. I think we all share the same understanding of what it means. No Pain, No Gain. A very simple way of saying so many things. It applies to just about any situation. There are other cliches that have similar meanings: Nothing In Life Is Free, Early Bird Gets the Worm. I am sure you know a few other phases that work as well. They all have the same underlying meaning that to get what you want you have to work at it, you have to put forth some kind of effort to achieve your goals.

Even though I know this meaning to the phrase, it has come to be something different to me than a simple encouraging phrase. I have constant back pain. My back hurts me no matter what I do. Pain killers don't work for me any more, hot baths or showers do nothing, creams, ointments, etc, all have no effect. My back still hurts. If I sit very still and move as little as possible, I can ease the pain to a level where I can almost forget about it for awhile.

But it is always there, biding it's time, just waiting for me to stand up too fast or move just a little too much, so it can jump out and attack me again. At times, the pain gets so severe that I can't take a breath without feeling that agony shooting up and down my back. It is almost impossible to stand up straight at times, and sometimes, I can barely walk.

No Pain, No Gain. This says the effort you make will pay off somehow. For most people this is true. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Keep at your efforts, you will see your goals become reality. Not quite fitting to me, I feel. Even something as simple as getting up to get something to drink can leave me hurting so bad I feel nauseated and dizzy from the intensity of it.

There are good days, yes, where I can summon up the will to leave my house and go do something, visit the flea market, see a movie, do some grocery shopping. But then there are the bad days, where all I want to do is stay in bed and cry, or try to sit at my computer and surf the internet in an attempt to forget or at least distract myself enough that my pain isn't all I am focusing on. Sometimes this works, other times I just end up sitting there, staring at my screen, doing absolutely nothing but concentrating on not taking too deep of a breath.

No Pain, No Gain. This is a good phrase, but for me I think it is backwards. The less I try to do, the less pain I have to suffer. For the most part, anyway. For my situation, the correct phrase would be No Gain, No Pain. If I do completely nothing, the pain usually stays bearable, in the background so to speak.

However, I have come to realize recently that this is not good enough for me. I don't want to give up my goals and dreams and efforts. I don't want to be controlled by my pain. I want to go get a drink when I am thirsty, to go for a walk on a nice evening, to clean the bathroom so well that it sparkles when you turn on the light. In short, I want to take back my life and live it productively. I know that some of these wants are just not possible physically. I have no choice but to avoid them. I cannot go bowling, or spend the day walking around the mall, it would just hurt too badly. But I will not let the pain stop me from the small things anymore. My bathroom will sparkle, dinner will be made, I will have a drink if I am thirsty.

No Pain, No Gain? or No Gain, No Pain? Either way, I will still have pain. At this time, that is a fact and unavoidable. But now? I have decided the gains are worth the pain. Pain will still control much of what I can and cannot do. Pain will be there just waiting for the chance to attack me and bring me down. I will not be just a victim of it anymore, this is official notice to my pain:

I am fighting back!