Wonderful and Horrible At The Same Time

Hello everyone. I appreciate your patience during this long gap with no post. What? Oh no, I haven't given up on blogging, I have just been too busy mentally to think of anything to write about. I have had to focus my attention on classes. Oh, you thought that chair killed me? No, lol, it is still tucked away in the corner, well out of the path I walk.

Anyways, I have two bits of news that are both wonderful and horrible at the same time. *Grins* First off, school. Only 2 weeks left of this term. This is wonderful because I am almost done with this icky politics class, but horrible because the last 2 weeks always seem to take forever. I want to be done with it NOW! I am hate this class. Next term, however, looks to be more interesting, with 2 accounting classes, and the 3rd being Sociology. I am really hoping that 3rd class is interesting. It is so much easier to do the writing when the material intrigues me.

Ok, enough with school stuff, you say. I agree, listening to me complain about classes is probably boring for you. On to the second bit of news then. My back pain. No, it hasn't gone away, but the doctor I have been seeing has done more than just toss a prescription at me for the pain. She sent me for x-rays to see if there was a problem there. Turns our my bones look great. She said there are no signs of osteoporosis and no fractures. There were a few minor spurs on my spine that could develop a bit of arthritis in the future, but no problems that are causing my pain now. So she says that means it is muscular. She referred me to physical therapy. That is wonderful as maybe with some proper exercises my back will get straightened out and the pain will go away eventually. But at the same time it is horrible, because they are gonna make me stretch in ways I haven't moved in a long time, and that is gonna hurt like hell for awhile.

Personally, I still think the pain is from nerve damage, but I would be delighted to be proven wrong. If this physical therapy doesn't work, I have no idea what the next step will be.

That is pretty much all that is going on with me at the moment. I do plan to get back into posting daily or at least 3 or 4 times a week as soon as this term is over. So if you can hang around for another 2 weeks, there will be more regular posts after that.

No Pain, No Gain?

We have all heard that old saying. I think we all share the same understanding of what it means. No Pain, No Gain. A very simple way of saying so many things. It applies to just about any situation. There are other cliches that have similar meanings: Nothing In Life Is Free, Early Bird Gets the Worm. I am sure you know a few other phases that work as well. They all have the same underlying meaning that to get what you want you have to work at it, you have to put forth some kind of effort to achieve your goals.

Even though I know this meaning to the phrase, it has come to be something different to me than a simple encouraging phrase. I have constant back pain. My back hurts me no matter what I do. Pain killers don't work for me any more, hot baths or showers do nothing, creams, ointments, etc, all have no effect. My back still hurts. If I sit very still and move as little as possible, I can ease the pain to a level where I can almost forget about it for awhile.

But it is always there, biding it's time, just waiting for me to stand up too fast or move just a little too much, so it can jump out and attack me again. At times, the pain gets so severe that I can't take a breath without feeling that agony shooting up and down my back. It is almost impossible to stand up straight at times, and sometimes, I can barely walk.

No Pain, No Gain. This says the effort you make will pay off somehow. For most people this is true. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Keep at your efforts, you will see your goals become reality. Not quite fitting to me, I feel. Even something as simple as getting up to get something to drink can leave me hurting so bad I feel nauseated and dizzy from the intensity of it.

There are good days, yes, where I can summon up the will to leave my house and go do something, visit the flea market, see a movie, do some grocery shopping. But then there are the bad days, where all I want to do is stay in bed and cry, or try to sit at my computer and surf the internet in an attempt to forget or at least distract myself enough that my pain isn't all I am focusing on. Sometimes this works, other times I just end up sitting there, staring at my screen, doing absolutely nothing but concentrating on not taking too deep of a breath.

No Pain, No Gain. This is a good phrase, but for me I think it is backwards. The less I try to do, the less pain I have to suffer. For the most part, anyway. For my situation, the correct phrase would be No Gain, No Pain. If I do completely nothing, the pain usually stays bearable, in the background so to speak.

However, I have come to realize recently that this is not good enough for me. I don't want to give up my goals and dreams and efforts. I don't want to be controlled by my pain. I want to go get a drink when I am thirsty, to go for a walk on a nice evening, to clean the bathroom so well that it sparkles when you turn on the light. In short, I want to take back my life and live it productively. I know that some of these wants are just not possible physically. I have no choice but to avoid them. I cannot go bowling, or spend the day walking around the mall, it would just hurt too badly. But I will not let the pain stop me from the small things anymore. My bathroom will sparkle, dinner will be made, I will have a drink if I am thirsty.

No Pain, No Gain? or No Gain, No Pain? Either way, I will still have pain. At this time, that is a fact and unavoidable. But now? I have decided the gains are worth the pain. Pain will still control much of what I can and cannot do. Pain will be there just waiting for the chance to attack me and bring me down. I will not be just a victim of it anymore, this is official notice to my pain:

I am fighting back!